What is this

I feel like I am seriously doing nothing, like I AM nothing. I am just not sure how to make myself feel alive. I've been going out now but I got tired of it. Always the same - drinking, dacing, hangover. I haven't talk to any germans while partying. To find german friends - that was the reason why I went out in the first place. I had a mental breakdown last weekend and I don't want to party anymore. I just don't know how people are satisfied with themselves...I mean...they find something that means a lot to them, right? An activity, a person or something else. I just don't know what that IT is for me. Well, I might know but it's surreal. 

God, I hate my emo-periods...just makes me want to slit my wrists and then few days later I'm all full of life and think what the hell was wrong me. I despise depressed people but now and then I turn into that kind pf person, too. I try and tend to keep it hidden from others, I really don't tell anyone about it. Because I know it goes away! Right now I'm pretty sure the emo-me is going to stay for a longer time than usually. I don't want to exhaust those few people I still communicate with this confusion I am going trough. In Estonia I had always people to get drunk with, forget all the crap for a night and repeat, repeat, repeat until I was just fatigued from all the drinking. Then I turned into a person again. Fuck

AT LEAST - it's been over two years and I still feel like a little stupid girl when he writes me...even if it's some random line or a word. I thought I would be all over it (him) but I guess there's always going to be someone mysterious I try to figure out. Some of them turn out to be boring people actually, others maintain my intrest in them.

Oh by the way, I went to Hamburg again on Saturday. Nothing special happened. Here's a picture of me and Mariel.

xoxo